Can you share some of the wisdom u have learned?

hi.
can you share some insights you have gained into Buddhism?
i told you guys that i still have a problem of faith.  i don't think a show of dharma power  would convince me totally, but insights into truth that would.
i had an insight the other day when i was doing the Vajrasattva Practice.  when i was chanting, i suddenly realized that we were all connected. dependent on each other.  we were all one.  i didn't have a self.  that we all are a part of each other.  but that insight only came during that particular practice.  i felt great and at peace.  first time i ever felt at peace w/ myself.  after that i was the same old doubting self.  i just hate doubting, because i am afraid that i would be offending Buddhas.  Tsongkapa said that u would be in trouble if u lack faith.  i just feel  that i always have to fight myself in order to maintain some sort of faith.  i question the Buddhas alot of times.  Faith is good because it keeps me practicing and from straying off the right path.  thanks.

I will start by giving you a secret I learned when I was in school and had to write a research paper. I would sit down and write the paper, then go out and find a bunch of  dead people who had written books, who also happened to agree with me. Then I quoted them as my sources.  ;) I always got A's.
I was just reading a book today, called The Heart Sutra by Osho. As I was reading through it, one thing that stuck was his definition of the difference between knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge can be taught; wisdom has to be earned. He said "Knowledge is that which comes through the mind, knowledge is that which comes from the outside. Knowledge is never original! It can't be original; by its very nature it is borrowed. Wisdom is your original vision; it does not come from the outside, it grows in you."
So where does wisdom come from? Where does faith come from? How to develop them? Why worry about all that? You already have everything you need. Inside you is your true self, your 'true colors, beautiful like a rainbow'. You are Buddha, Buddha is you. Every enlightened being there ever was said that. Grandmaster Lu said that. This is not me saying that. (Yes, it is.) There is a story about a man who was held prisoner for many years, and he used to look out the one tiny window of his cell all day and all night, seeing what little he could see of the world, and longing to get free. What he didn't know is that the door behind him had been open all the time, only he never turned around to see. All the great teachers I have ever been lucky enough to listen to, alll say much the same thing, in different ways. Quit whining and turn around! Turn your head around. Get your head out of your own ***. I am not trying to be hateful  or mean here. If you take it as such, you misunderstand. If anyone feels offended by what I say, then I say 'All the more reason to turn your head around!" You can't offend a Buddha. It is impossible!

thanks, guys.

I also have problems with doubt. For the past 5 years since I have taken refuge I have put all my faith into Grandmaster. I would tell him all my troubles, all my worries and rely on him alone to relieve my suffering. I have been trying to build a strong Guru-disciple relationship with him because I understand the importance of having absolute faith in one's Guru.

Now five years later, life is usual until I attend the Golden Mother's birthday puja. The presiding master was Master Samantha and she had a conversation with the Golden Mother. The Golden Mother gave us a present consisting of five words: "Don't Rely on others anymore" ( in Chinese). Then Master Samantha explained that she did not understand how these 5 words could constitute a present. She gave it much thought and explained that we should rely on our own cultivation to get rid of our own suffering just as we have to feel our own pain, and feed our own hunger. I gave this some thought but I still did not understand this in actual practice.

The days following were lonely. All my friends had deserted me. My best friend whom always keeps me company was suddenly busy. My other friends were also occupied. The person who I told all my problems to had suddenly stopped answering my calls and calling me. Even my ex-boyfriend who is always there for me stopped answering my calls. On top of all of that, the next day I was going to Vancouver all by myself. There was no one to talk to.

What was I supposed to do? I had all these problems but no one to solve them for me. No one to give me advice. I was indeed sad, melancholy, and lonely because I am the type of person who is always relying on other people. I have to have other company. I felt as if I was being pushed by force into a swimming pool without knowing how to swim.

Finally I finally understood what those words meant :"Don't rely on others anymore." GM has been training me for the past 5 years and now it is ready for me to start relying on myself....to start relying on my own cultivation and my own wisdom. Often times when I have problems now I will cultivate and reflect on my problems and then find a solution to them using my own wisdom. Before I would wait for a response from Grandmaster and have him guide me out of the situation. Things are indeed very different now.

At this time, my friends are slowly returning back. All those people who did not answer my calls are slowly coming back into my life but things have changed. I don't rely on them anymore. I try to rely on myself.

There is however one dharma brother which was there for me at a critical time...he acted like a reminder to tell me that I indeed had to have self reliance and I am grateful for his advice.

Raychin,
I think that it just needs time and diligence. Slowly build your confidence in Grandmaster until you have complete confidence. It takes time. It is not possible to make one great leap suddenly. Things are gradual and from what I can see, you are already on that road! In time, you'll be able to rely on your own cultivated wisdom!

Om Mani Padme Hom

hey.  thanks for the replies.  
i realized today that one has to open his/her heart in Buddhism.  I guess it was hard for me to open my heart even to the Buddhas.  i see truth in their words, but it is hard for me to put faith in anyone other than myself.  This is probably a hindrance.  i've always cast a protective shell around me throughout my life.  Trying to protect my ego, i guess.  Also, realized that the ego is my worst enemy.  i gotta get rid of it.  time to let Buddhas in.  when i had that insight during the practice, it was like "wow."  the ballpark got bigger.  still unfamiliar though.  i guess i gotta feel comfortable w/ it.  

I wouldn't say that i've attained any wisdom (i see myself as quite dense sometimes) but this is my two singapore cents worth of food for thought:

when we face the 'trauma' of a lack of faith, we should step up with our practice and recite the bodhicitta mantra more, as well as visualising emptiness and recite the emptiness mantra. I realise that very soon your bodhicitta would be boundless like the universe and pure as the moon. From this arises the pure faith that we need. I begin to understand that faith isn't just relying and asking for blessing, but just believing, even if it is without proof or reason. And by this faith there is this psychic connection by which all blessings from teh buddhas and bodhisattvas come. By this time i am no different from the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, because i am one with them, and they are one in me.

Om Guru Lian sheng siddhi hum